


in a moment of joy and fury i threw myself from the balcony like my grandmother, so many years before me

by goreds



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, M/M, slash if you squint to be quite honest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-18
Updated: 2020-01-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:54:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22306747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goreds/pseuds/goreds
Summary: Ben doesn't go to Rey when he turns back to the light. He goes to Leia. And Poe.
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Ben Solo, Poe Dameron/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Kudos: 34





	in a moment of joy and fury i threw myself from the balcony like my grandmother, so many years before me

In another galaxy far, far away, the newly restored Ben Solo doesn’t go after Rey to Exegol.

He goes to mourn his mother at Ajan Kloss, where the Resistance base is. He knows he won’t be a welcome presence. But he goes anyway, because it’s General Leia Organa Skywalker who brought him back to the light after trying so hard for so long.

With her dying breath, she still believed she could bring him back. And thanks to the combination of a severe wound, Rey healing him _and_ his mother reaching out to him, he turns, finally.

It all feels a little bizarre and rushed, but Ben knows deep down inside that this is what he always wanted. Kylo is screaming inside of him, but Ben just keeps pushing him down, deep inside. He knows that rage will be inside of him forever, but maybe he can use it someday.

When he lands near the Resistance base in his stolen TIE fighter, courtesy of a mind trick, he doesn’t really know what to expect. The Resistance will almost certainly capture him; Poe Dameron will crow that he finally got him, and he supposes that turned Stormtrooper will be by his side.

_Poe_. They were friends once, when Poe was a trainee pilot and Ben was Luke’s padawan. Ben always envied Poe’s piloting skills and his handsome good looks and his charm--in so many ways, Poe was more like what Han Solo’s son _should_ be. Han had never said that to Ben--hell, Han hadn’t been around enough to even notice Poe or the effect he had on Ben.

The effect he had. Oh, yes. Poe could charm the pants off of anyone, and he also didn’t care _whose_ pants he charmed. Ben wouldn’t go so far to call Poe a slut, but he was certainly tempted to at times. The dark voices in the back of his head told him to hate Poe for his charms and his wiles...and his loyalty to the light. To the good. Because no matter what shenanigans Poe got himself into, he always returned to Leia--in many ways, _her_ loyal padawan, despite having no Force powers of his own.

Indeed, if Poe was the son Han Solo didn’t have, he was also the son Leia wanted. Leia never said that to Kylo, of course--she merely told him to stop “moping,” to stop being so damned sad all the time.

Leia had reached into her mother’s mind as a newborn and seen irreversible sadness, and she did not want that for her son. Ben never knew Padmé Amidala, and she certainly couldn’t appear to him, having no Force powers. No, Padmé existed only in memory, and his imagination. Sometimes he seemed to will her into existence, right in front of him. She would smile, and she would plead with him to come back into the light.

As he takes his first steps on the Resistance’s planet, Padmé walks beside him.

“Ben, it’s so good to see you back to yourself.”

Ben says nothing. He feels fear, which he pushes down. Physically, he feels sick.

“Ben, speak to me. I know you’re scared. You shouldn’t be. Just tell the truth.”

Ben doesn’t get the chance to say anything back to her. _You don’t know what I’ve done to these people_ , he would’ve had said.

The stormtrooper is there...Finn, he thinks his name is. Pointing a blaster in his face. “What are you doing here?”

Ben holds his hands in the air, showing he has no weapons. “I just want to say goodbye.”

“Like hell.” Finn nods to the Resistance soldiers flanking him to handcuff Ben. “Man, Poe’s going to be delighted to see you.”

Ben gets from Finn’s sardonic tone that Poe will probably order him shot on the spot. They lead him to the base, which is impossibly small and ramshackle, and Ben realizes the extent of how much trouble the Resistance is in, especially against the Final Order. Poe has an eyebrow raised in surprise. “Well, look what the Sarlacc dragged in.”

Ben finds his voice. “I just want to see her. One last time.”

“Yeah, so did I. I don’t know if you noticed, but she’s gone now.” Poe seems to realize how mean that last part sounded from the look of deep pain that crosses Ben’s face. _Of course I noticed, asshole_ , Ben wants to bark at him. Or maybe that’s Kylo. No, Kylo would probably just Force choke the smug out of Poe. Ben just wants to see his mother. That’s all he wants.

“I just want to say goodbye,” Ben repeats, this time to Poe, locking eyes with him. Poe is startled, Ben realizes.

“You’re different,” Poe blurts. Poe was never good at not saying exactly what crossed his mind. “What did Rey do to you?”

“My mother brought me back to Ben,” and Ben realizes he’s just telling the Whills-honest truth, for the first time in forever. “Rey helped, I guess.”

Poe smiles, even if his eyes betray that he has serious doubts about what Ben’s saying. But still, he nods to the Resistance soldiers now flanking Ben. “If he wanted to kill us, he would’ve done it by now, handcuffs or no handcuffs. I’ll take him to her,” with his expression turning cheeky, “...but the handcuffs stay on.”

Finn looks worried: “You sure about that, Poe?”

Poe looks Ben up and down, like he once did long ago, when they were kids meeting for the first time. “Yeah, I’m sure.”

Leia’s body is covered with a sheet, which Poe does not remove. Poe looks away as Ben kneels in front of the slab his mother lies on. Ben feels tears springing to his eyes but as his hands are still bound, and he cannot wipe them away. They go down his cheeks, and he feels his throat tighten. He tries to swallow the sobs away, but it doesn’t work. Before he can stop himself, he’s weeping, so hard he can’t speak.

“Hey...hey, buddy,” Poe rests his hands onto Ben’s shaking shoulders. “She meant a lot to all of us, but I guess...no, I _know_ how much she meant to you. When you were Ben. Well, I guess you _are_ Ben...sorry, I don’t really know what to say.”

Ben still can’t speak, so he briefly reaches into Poe’s mind--something he did frequently when they were teenagers and either Leia or Luke were annoying the hell out of them. _It’s okay._

“I didn’t say you could start doing that again,” Poe says aloud, a little agitated.

_Sorry_.

_No, seriously, stop that_.

Ben looks up and sees Padmé to the side of the slab that Leia lies on and smiles at her daughter sadly. “She is with us now. And you have so much more to do, Ben. Go do it, please.”

Ben finds himself standing, on shaking legs. He holds out his handcuffed hands to Poe. “Take them off.”

“No, I’m not going to do that.” Poe instead does something surprisingly tender for the brusque pilot; he wipes what’s left of Ben’s tears away. “There, better?”

Ben doesn’t know what to say.

Poe bites his lower lip and chuckles softly. “Hell of a circumstance to meet each other again, but it’s good to see you. I missed you, Ben.”

Ben breathes shakily. “Missed you too, Dameron.”

“Call me Poe. You remind me of the other guy when you call me by my last name.”

Ben nods. _Poe_ , he repeats in his mind. Apparently a little _too_ strongly.

_We’ve gotta talk about boundaries, though_. _Once this is all over._ Poe smacks Ben on the arm. “What do you know about this fleet? We need all the help we can get.”

Ben knows he should go to Rey, to help her...but something pulls him to help Poe and the Resistance instead. _It’s what she would’ve wanted_ , he says just to himself. _It’s what they all want_.


End file.
